It’s been 15 years since the passing of my mom , I had thought I put the grief behind me , but yesterday and today I realized that I am still very broken , during these past years I have accomplished a lot in my music career , but I had also made choices that I regret and have also lost some of my best friends who knew my mom from suicide, illness etc. my grandfather had passed away in 2022 , my grandmother carucha had a bad accident hitting her head and she isn’t the same grandma I grew up with , I spoke with my aunt last night about the dreams I sometimes have about my mother and how real they feel , but the last dream I had was she had came back to life and we were together again and she told me “everything’s going to back to the way things were , you don’t have to worry or cry anymore I love you” and she smiled, and then I woke up in my dark room alone , and I sat on my bedside wishing the dream was in the dark room alone, but when I told her this dream I started choking up fully crying almost , but with anyone else I can say this without feeling sad , my grandma now lives with my aunt and she can’t take care of her self my aunt has to have care givers for her 24:7 , my grandma doesn’t talk anymore like she used too , and I live in Orlando now so im far away from them , but over the course of the years when I was I was selfish , it was always why me why me , my aunt Estela told me that sometimes she would think when my grandma passed that me and her would not talk anymore or see each other , but I told her I wouldn’t let her grieve alone , I would stay by her side every step of the way like she and my grandma did for me , I regret the things I did and said to them when I was younger , I just wanted my mom back , but about 30 minutes ago , I started bawling and in pain , im not happy with myself at all , im depressed because I feel all alone up here , I am broken and I just want to break out of this , I realized that I grew up faster than most of my friends and still am , the things they worry about are so minuscule to me and life in general , but I want to heal and be happy for once , I haven’t been happy through all this time , the one thing that has never left me is music and it my life and passion , but I need to be a man and seek help , which I will now do , I’ve done therapy before but I was under the influence, I got addicted to very heavy drugs and it stemmed from this along with the things that have happened in my life but those were my choices and I’m not proud of them , I will continue to live and try my hardest for my mom to help my aunt and grandma any way I can even though I feel like I can’t sometimes , im still very broken , and I broke down when I saw these pictures , I am scared when my grandma passed all I’ll have left is my aunt and then after that it’s just me it seems like , and im scared of being truly alone , I know tragedies will find us , but I still feel so much pain and despair, and I just want to be okay , I will always honor my mom and how she was my best friend in the whole world , a hole in my heart is gone since she left this world , but I hope my music will continue to help people as it has been said from my fan base , but I just want to be happy.
